The Literal Deathly Hallows Part 1 Screenplay
by cbstevp
Summary: An alternate version of what The Deathly Hallows Part 1 screenplay might have been if seen from a literal point of view. Just for laughs, mind you.


**The Literal Deathly Hallows Part 1 Screenplay **

What **The Deathly Hallows Part 1** screenplay might have looked like in a more literal version. By the way - INT -interior scenes; EXT - exterior scenes; (V.O.) voice over; (O.S.) out of shot.

FADE IN:

INT. A BIG HALLWAY

CLOSE UP of BILL NIGHY'S EYES.

BILL NIGHY  
I'm in charge now and you have nothing to worry about. So get back to work and stop lolly-gagging about. And stop taking my picture!

INT. BEDROOM - RAINY DAY

EMMA WATSON's bedroom, a place many would like to see for real.

UNKNOWN ACTRESS PLAYING EMMA's MOM (O.S.)  
Emma, tea's ready!

EMMA WATSON  
(angry)  
How many times do I have to tell you I hate tea and coffee!

INT. LIVING ROOM - RAINY DAY

TWO UNKNOWN ACTORS PLAYING BIT PARTS as EMMA'S MUM AND DAD sit on a sofa and watch TV as EMMA sneaks up behind them and casts a spell at them. Their eyes go unfocused.

EMMA WATSON  
Sorry, I've only known you for a few hours but I have to erase your memories of me so I can't be found!

She then erases all her images from photos on the mantle hoping they have none hidden in closets or old photo albums or none of her relatives or old boyfriends or her Facebook site have any either.

EXT. DANIEL RADCLIFFE'S HOUSE - DAY

THREE ACTORS WHOSE NAMES I FORGET are packing up and leaving. DANIEL RADCLIFFE looks at them and hopes he never has to do any more stupid scenes with them just to remind us how awful his childhood was.

EXT. THE HOUSE THAT BURNED DOWN IN THE LAST MOVIE - DAY

RUPERT GRINT stands outside The House That Burned Down in the Last Movie and tries to look pensive but just looks like he wants to go have a pint in the pub.

INT. DARK ROOM - NIGHT

RALPH FIENNES, JASON ISAACS, HELENA BONHAM CARTER, TOM FELTON, HELEN MCCRORY and many other MINOR BRITISH ACTORS PLAYING DEATH EATERS, sit around a long table. AN ACTRESS PLAYING A WOMAN WHO HAS NEVER APPEARED IN THE BOOKS OR MOVIES BEFORE is hanging over the table. ALAN RICKMAN enters the room.

RALPH FIENNES  
Ah, Alan, how nice of you to join us. We already ate so too bad for you. Tell us when Daniel Radcliffe is going to be moved.

ALAN RICKMAN  
Next Saturday. They will try to move him on a cloudy night in the stupidest way possible so that we can remain unseen by the Muggles and have a chance to attack him and make the book and movie more interesting.

RALPH FIENNES  
Good. Now I need to borrow someone's wand. Jason? You don't seem to use yours much, at least that's what your wife tells me. So, give it to me.

JASON ISAACS  
Yes...my lord.

RALPH FIENNES  
Damn straight I am your lord. All of you, DANCE FOR ME!

They all get up and dance. Then RALPH has a big snake eat the WOMAN WHO HAS NEVER APPEARED IN THE BOOKS OR MOVIES BEFORE just to prove how much of a badass he is.

INT. DANIEL RADCLIFFE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

BRENDAN GLEESON, RUPERT, EMMA, OLIVER/JAMES PHELPS, DAVID THEWLIS, MARK WILLIAMS, CLEMANCE POESY, ANDY LINDEN, NATALIA TENA, ROBBIE COLTRANE, GEORGE HARRIS, and BRENDAN GLEESON'S SON meet DANIEL in his home.

RUPERT GRINT  
Good to see you, Daniel. I hope you said goodbye to your comical fat relatives because this magic stuff is super duper serious from now on.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
They left without saying a word. The kid that used to bully me didn't even get to face the camera, making his inclusion in the series utterly pointless. Spent a good ten minutes of screen time with the broom closet, though.

EMMA WATSON  
That's nothing, I erased my fake movie parent's memories of me forever. Now they've got a bunch of photos on their mantle of Sears portrait studio backdrops. Nothing suspicious about that.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Holy *beep* that's an option? Wait, do me next, I want to forget I was ever in these movies!

BRENDAN GLEESON  
Grizzle grumble growl and grouse! Half of you take this Polyjuice Potion, it will make you look like Daniel Radcliffe. Be forewarned, if you go out in public you'll be accosted by 12-year-old girls.

Half of them transforms into DANIEL, make a bunch of funny comments about his body and eyesight and then move outside.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

They all get on broomstick's, big flying horses, and a motorcycle, hoping nobody happens to be looking out their window. Then they take off.

EXT. SKY - CLOUDY NIGHT

They are attacked by more people on flying things, all hoping nobody happens to look up at that moment.

ROBBIE COLTRANE gets hit by a spell and passes out on the motorcycle.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Robbie! You're a half-giant, spells don't hurt you! Have you been drinking!

DANIEL'S OWL gives away his identity and he is attacked by RALPH FIENNES.

RALPH FIENNES  
Nice trick, Daniel, but you forgot that even though magic cannot detect you, a bird can!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
And you forgot that my wand is suddenly more powerful than yours for some reason! Eat wobbly lightsaber!

RALPH FIENNES  
I knew it was more powerful so I borrowed Jason Isaacs' wand! Ah, curse you, yours is still more powerful than my more powerful wand!

JASON ISAAC's wand is destroyed. RALPH FIENNES screams and knocks down many electrical transmission towers, even though he has no wand and is supposedly unable to hurt DANIEL now.

EXT. THE HOUSE THAT BURNED DOWN IN THE LAST MOVIE - NIGHT

ROBBIE COLTRANE and DANIEL crash a flying motorcycle in a pond. Both get soaking wet. However, in a few minutes they are both reasonable dry. BONNIE WRIGHT and JULIE WATERS do not seem surprised to see them.

JULIE WATERS  
Nice of you to drop by. A cup of tea?

ROBBIE COLTRANE  
Somethin' stronger if yeh got it, Julie!

BONNIE WRIGHT is supposed to kiss DANIEL but doesn't since he is a scrawny specky git.

BONNIE WRIGHT

(bit sad)  
Oh, you survived. I guess we have to carry on with our sham romance which no one believes because JKR forgot to lay any anvil sized hints like she did for Rupert and Emma's love, which a lot of delusional people still don't believe.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
No worries. I've known you since you were nine so I'd rather not kiss you either. I'll just pretend to kiss you later and no one can see it because your hair will be in the way.

Other characters magically appear at the house that burned down in the last movie. JAMES/OLIVER PHELPS has a hole in his head where his ear used to be. JULIE WATERS strokes his head and does nothing to stop the bleeding or give him first aid.

DAVID THEWLIS grabs DANIEL and shoves him against a wall.

DAVID THEWLIS  
WHY DIDN'T YOU KISS BONNIE?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
She's like my sister!

DAVID THEWLIS  
Oh. Her too? And I thought it was because you aren't the real Daniel Radcliffe.

EMMA and RUPERT appear. They look at each other with longing and frustration that they can never be together because the whole world will make fun of them and harass them until they break up. Then they say to hell with it and EMMA casts herself into RUPERT'S arms. Just then DANIEL tries to make it a three-some.

RUPERT GRINT  
Get off you specky git! She's mine!

EMMA WATSON  
Oh, Rupert, don't you know it is you he wants!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Actually, I play for both teams so I'm up for anyone.

Then BRENDAN GLEESON'S SON appears.

BRENDAN GLEESON'S SON  
Dad is dead.

The next day there is a big wedding with BRENDAN GLEESON'S SON and CLEMANCE POESY, who we have not seen since movie 4 and who we had no idea was in love with BRENDAN GLEESON'S SON, unless you've read the books. It also seems that everyone forgot that BRENDAN GLEESON had died and is not too sad about it.

BONNIE WRIGHT is forced to kiss DANIEL but no one can really see their lips meet. BILL NIGHY shows up to just make his appearance at the beginning seem to justify the high salary they gave him. He gives RUPERT, DANIEL and EMMA three things which MICHAEL GAMBON left them in his will, even though he barely spoke to RUPERT or EMMA for six (sorry four) previous movies.

At the wedding two old people tell DANIEL many secrets about MICHAEL GAMBON which also make no sense unless you have read the books. Then, after a CGI SILVER BALL appears and speaks, a bunch of flying black smoke turns into people who attack, the wedding tent catches fire for some reason, and DANIEL, EMMA, and RUPERT run away rather than help their family and friends and almost get hit by a bus.

EXT. BUSY STREET, LONDON - NIGHT

RUPERT GRINT  
Where are we?

EMMA WATSON  
Piccadilly Circus...no, sorry that's where we are shooting this scene... no, Tottenham Court Road..no sorry that's the book...Shaftsbury Avenue. My fake movie parents took me to the movies here once...not that they will remember that.

EXT. DARK ALLEY - NIGHT

EMMA reaches into her bag and her arm disappears.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Bloody hell! Your arm!

EMMA gives him a disproving look.

EMMA WATSON  
Don't be daft. I told you I made this bag so big it could fit everything we could ever possible need except food and an extra wand or two in case ours got broken.

RUPERT GRINT  
You're amazing you are.

EMMA WATSON  
(smiling with love at Rupert)  
I know. And yes I want to sleep with you too so please keep complimenting me.

RUPERT GRINT  
Awesome!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Can I join...?

EMMA AND RUPERT  
NO!

EMMA WATSON  
Now here change your clothes real fast and we'll all pretend not to look at each other even though Rupert and I will sneak looks. Daniel...turn around!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
All right already!

INT. CAFE - NIGHT

The trio sit at a table as an ACTRESS PLAYING A WAITRESS approaches

ACTRESS PLAYING A WAITRESS  
Hi, I am a no named actress who is lucky to get this part with you three famous people. Please, can I have your autograph?

EMMA WATSON  
No, we are working now. Just cappuccino, please.

RUPERT GRINT  
Yeah...and Dan needs a roll in the hay before he drives us crazy.

ACTRESS PLAYING A WAITRESS  
They didn't pay me that much!

She walks away as TWO ACTORS PLAYING DEATH EATERS walk past the trio. Instead of blasting them at first sight, they decide to go to the counter so Daniel can see one of them pull a wand out of his pocket.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Look out! He's got a big wand!

A battle ensues, many things get broken, loud blasts shake the cafe, and no one comes running to see what all the fuss is. Except the ACTRESS PLAYING A WAITRESS.

EMMA WATSON  
(to waitress)  
Leave! Go! Now! Get out ! Scam! Beat it!

She leaves, but not before sticking her tongue out at EMMA.

EMMA WATSON  
She'll never work in this town again!

RUPERT GRINT  
Neither will we after the seventh book is finished.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
I will. People love me. And I've been nude on stage. Look there's my poster for my play on the wall.

EMMA WATSON  
(to Rupert)  
You'd think he was in a Twilight movie he takes his shirt off so much.  
(looking at Death Eaters)  
Now what do we do with these two?

RUPERT GRINT  
Kill them!

EMMA WATSON  
No, let's just erase their memories and leave them in this smashed up cafe so they don't know what really happened.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Yeah, we can kill them later in the second movie after they cause more harm to the world.

EMMA WATSON  
Oh, and by the way Daniel we forgot to celebrate your birthday. I just threw that in there so the audience would know you are now 17 and don't have the trace on you anymore. Happy birthday.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Thanks. Can I have a kiss?

EMMA AND RUPERT  
NO!

EXT. STREET, OUTSIDE HOUSE - NIGHT

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
This is my house now. Gary Oldman left it to me.

RUPERT GRINT  
Why didn't we come here right away?

EMMA WATSON  
Because Alan Rickman knows where it is. He could have told Ralph...

RUPERT GRINT  
DON'T SAY HIS NAME!

EMMA WATSON  
All right! HE WHO WAS IN THE ENGLISH PATIENT? Is that better?

RUPERT GRINT  
Loads.

INT. HALLWAY, THE HOUSE THAT GARY OLDMAN GAVE DANIEL RADCLIFFE - NIGHT

A ghostly, dusty form of MICHAEL GAMBON flies at the trio as they stand in the doorway.

RUPERT GRINT  
What the bloody hell was that?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
A special effect to keep Alan Rickman out of the house.

RUPERT GRINT  
So he can't get in now?

EMMA WATSON  
Maybe. Not sure. I'd explain it all but it would take too long and not much sense unless you have read the books and know all about secret keepers and the Fidelius Charm.

INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING

DANIEL sleeps on a sofa. He wakes up and sees RUPERT and EMMA asleep together on another sofa.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Oi! What's this?

RUPERT GRINT  
(sleepy)  
Piss off you half-pint git. I told you she's mine!

EMMA WATSON  
(sleepy)  
Never mind him, Rup. Let's go find a room upstairs.

They get up and leave. Soon they shout for DANIEL. He comes running upstairs with a grin on.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Can I...?

EMMA AND RUPERT  
NO!

EMMA WATSON  
Look at the door. It says RAB, who is Gary Oldman's brother even though we have never seen him except in a photo and don't know who the actor is. But RAB wrote a note in the fake locket you found in the last movie. Now we can know what happened to the real locket that turned out to be the fake locket from the last movie which we thought was holding part of the soul of He Who Was in the English Patient.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Brilliant. Now we just need to find an old smelly CGI HOUSE ELF who can tell us exactly what happened to the real locket.

INT. KITCHEN, DANIEL RADCLIFFE'S HOUSE HE GOT FROM GARY OLDMAN - DAY

RUPERT GRINT  
I heard a noise in the closet. Let's just open it without our wands ready because we know no bad guys are in there.

DANIEL opens the closet and finds CGI OLD HOUSE ELF.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
CGI Old House Elf! We haven't seen you since your brief appearance in the fifth movie so that the audience would know who you are and that you are essential to the plot. Spying on us, were you?

CGI OLD HOUSE ELF  
No, Master Daniel. CGI Old House Elf was cleaning the scum of Mudbloods and Blood Traitors from his master's home!

RUPERT GRINT  
Little CGI git! I ought to hit you with a big soup ladle for that!

EMMA WATSON  
Oh, Rup, leave him be. He's just nasty because JKR wrote him that way. I am sure he is a nice sweet CGI Old House Elf in real life.

CGI OLD HOUSE ELF  
The Mudblood Watson is speaking to CGI Old House Elf! What would my dead mistress say!

RUPERT GRINT  
That's it! I'm gonna give him a smack!

But EMMA stops him again.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
I'm your master now. I know it wasn't in the movie but didn't you read the sixth book?

CGI OLD HOUSE ELF  
Of course, Master Daniel. CGI Old House Elf was given to you after Gary Oldman died in the fifth movie. CGI Old House Elf lives to serve the noble (_makes choking sound as if words stuck in throat_) house of Radcliffe.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Good. Now, what did the actor who played Gary Oldman's brother do with the real locket that had a piece of the soul of He Who Was in the English Patient inside of it which we found out about in the last movie but which we have to explain again?

CGI OLD HOUSE ELF  
Andy Linden stole it!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Find him and bring him back here!

CGI OLD HOUSE ELF disappears.

EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY

A train is stopped by a bunch of flying black smoke which turns out to be MORE UNKNOWN ACTORS PLAYING DEATH EATERS. They get on the train but several ACTORS PLAYING STUDENTS FROM PREVIOUS MOVIES, plus BONNIE WRIGHT, who survived the wedding tent fire attack even though we don't know how, tell them to bugger off because DANIEL is not on the train

INT. LIVING ROOM, DANIEL RADCLIFFE'S HOUSE HE GOT FROM GARY OLDMAN -DAY/NIGHT I DON'T KNOW!

DANIEL plays with a gold ball while EMMA tries to teach RUPERT how to play the piano. But they just keep looking at each other and don't really care about the piano. EMMA looks at DANIEL.

EMMA WATSON  
Stop playing with your ball.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Michael Gambon left it to me in his will. I think it's a clue to finding the missing pieces of He Who Was in The English Patient's soul.

EMMA WATSON  
Well, such balls have flesh memories. You just have to put the ball in your mouth then you can get a clue.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
No way I am putting a ball in my mouth!

RUPERT GRINT  
Why not? Putting balls in your mouth nothing new for you is it?

Just then they hear a loud noise. DANIEL and EMMA go running but for some reason RUPERT stays behind.

INT. KITCHEN

CGI OLD HOUSE ELF and CGI ANNOYING HOUSE ELF have captured ANDY LINDEN.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
CGI ANNOYING HOUSE ELF! I haven't seen you since movie 2!

CGI ANNOYING HOUSE ELF  
I know, Daniel Radcliffe! CGI Annoying House Elf would have come sooner but Steve Kloves kept writing CGI Annoying House Elf out of the screenplays even though CGI Annoying House Elf plays a vital role in some of the books!

RUPERT finally enters the kitchen

RUPERT GRINT  
Hey! It's CGI Annoying House Elf! Even though we have never spoken before in any movie, I know who you are and you know my name!

CGI ANNOYING HOUSE ELF  
How good to see you again Rupert Grint!

ANDY LINDEN  
What yeh lot playin' at? Sending these two CGI gits after me!

CGI OLD HOUSE ELF  
Sit down there so I can stab you with a fork!

EMMA WATSON  
You ran away the night Brendan Gleeson died!

ANDY LINDEN  
Well Ralph...

RUPERT GRINT  
DON'T SAY HIS NAME! We call him He Who Was in the English Patient!

ANDY LINDEN  
Why not Schindler's List?

EMMA WATSON  
Bit too evil in that one. So you were saying?

ANDY LINDEN  
So, He Who Was in the...English Patient? He was after us, and well, I just left. And Brendan fell off his broom!

RUPERT GRINT  
His son would take a strip off your hide if he wasn't too busy shagging Clemance Poesy at a cottage by the sea where we will go later in the movie.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Never mind all that for now. Look, Andy, did you take the locket from here?

ANDY LINDEN  
Sure, but I don't got it now. Some old hag from the Big Hallway, she took it from me.

EMMA WATSON  
Who took it?

ANDY LINDEN  
Little toad of a women, used to torture you lot up at The Big Castle that's a School in the fifth movie. Always smiling and loves cats.

RUPERT, EMMA, AND DANIEL  
IMELDA STAUNTON!

EXT. STREET, LONDON - DAY

EMMA THOMPSON'S SISTER comes along the street. RUPERT GRINT sees her and then pretends to tie his shoe while DANIEL RADCLIFFE stuns her with his wand. Then they drag her into a rubbish bin area in broad daylight and no one finds this odd.

EXT. RUBBISH BIN AREA - DAY

EMMA WATSON, RUPERT AND DANIEL have captured three people, EMMA THOMPSON'S SISTER, DAVID O'HARA, and a RED-HAIRED ACTOR.

EMMA WATSON  
Now we just have to drink Polyjuice Potion with their hairs in it and we can become them.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
This is mental.

EMMA WATSON  
Completely.

RUPERT GRINT  
Definitely mental. Especially since it takes a month to make Polyjuice Potion like in the second movie and we don't have any on us but it seems like just a day has passed. Also, why don't we just go to Imelda Staunton's house and get the locket. Why do we have to find it here in the Big Hallway where all our enemies who want to kill us are located?

EMMA WATSON  
Because then the movie and book would be dull and boring. No one said that either was supposed to be logical. It's too late now anyways since we've all signed contracts and got paid a lot. Let's do this. Oh, and this time no looking while I change into this woman's suit, tights, and heels.

RUPERT GRINT  
What? Me too?

EMMA WATSON  
No, of course you can look.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
And no looking at me either then!

EMMA AND RUPERT  
No worries.

EXT. STREET, LONDON - DAY

EMMA THOMPSON'S SISTER/EMMA WATSON, RED-HAIRED ACTOR/RUPERT GRINT, and DAVID O'HARA/DANIEL RADCLIFFE walk toward the way into the Big Hallway. After a comical moment in a toilet stall they all emerge out of fireplaces into the Big Hallway.

INT. BIG HALLWAY

EMMA THOMPSON'S SISTER/EMMA WATSON  
All right. Let's find Imelda Staunton, get the locket and leave.

RED-HAIRED ACTOR/RUPERT GRINT  
Wait! You still sound like Emma Watson, not Emma Thompson's Sister.

DAVID O'HARA/DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
When we turned into Two Fat Actors Playing Boys From the House With a Snake For a Symbol in movie two we still sounded like ourselves, remember?

RED-HAIRED ACTOR/RUPERT GRINT  
But David Tennant sounded just like Brendan Gleeson when he drank Polyjuice Potion in movie 4. It doesn't make sense!

EMMA THOMPSON'S SISTER/EMMA WATSON  
It's a movie! It's not supposed to! Come on!

They move to some elevators where a SCARY LOOKING ACTOR accosts them and doesn't recognize them even though they speak in different voices. After having a lot more luck in nobody knowing who they really are, and a few false, but comical turns, they all end up in a scary courtroom with IMELDA STAUNTON and the SCARY LOOKING ACTOR.

INT. COURTROOM, THE BIG HALLWAY

A silver cat seems to be protecting them against some BLACK SCARY THINGS hanging from the ceiling.

IMELDA STAUNTON  
What are you three doing here?

DAVID O'HARA/DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
We want that locket you stole so we can kill part of the soul of He Who Was in the English Patient. And He Who Was in the English Patient will never find out why we were here and what we took.

DANIEL changes back into himself for some odd reason before EMMA and RUPERT do. Spells fly about, they get the locket, save someone, then the BLACK SCARY THINGS try to suck the life out of them but DANIEL shoots silver light at them and they run away. Then EMMA changes back into herself, RED-HAIRED ACTOR/RUPERT gets a kiss from a ACTRESS WHO THINKS HE'S HER HUSBAND, then real RED -HAIRED ACTOR shows up as RUPERT changes back into himself and EMMA gives him a furious glare for kissing another woman. Do you follow?

Finally someone out of hundreds of people walking by notice that it is DANIEL, even though his picture is plastered everywhere.

INT. BIG HALLWAY

UNKNOWN EXTRA  
It's him! It's Daniel Radcliffe!

MANY EXTRAS  
Radcliffe! Get him!

A big chase begins, as DANIEL, EMMA, AND RUPERT head to the fireplaces. The SCARY LOOKING ACTOR comes out of the elevators and chases them too. DANIEL flings many pieces of paper behind him and these stop almost everyone, imagine that.

They reach the fireplaces but SCARY LOOKING ACTOR is sucked up with them.

EXT. FOREST - DAY

After a mind-boggling gut retching twist and turn they end up in a forest with RUPERT'S arm almost cut off. EMMA, almost in tears, tries to help him.

EMMA WATSON  
My bag. Get the bottle that will save people who have almost had their arm torn off!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Here it is. You really came prepared. What happened to him?

EMMA WATSON  
We were escaping and that Scary Looking Actor grabbed hold of me so we couldn't go back to the House That Gary Oldman Gave You, so I brought us here instead of a nice warm house or hotel room, and Rupert got splinched, which is term used in the sixth book and means you didn't Disapparte properly, which is another term from the books, but anyway it means he is hurt and we have to fix him. And while I am doing this please set up the tent.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Right. A tent. Where is the tent?

EMMA WATSON  
In the bag of course.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
You're brilliant. And lovely, and sexy, and...

EMMA WATSON  
Stop complimenting me! I'm still Rupert's girl.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Right. Of course, sorry.

EMMA WATSON  
Anyway, I thought you had a thing for Bonnie Wright.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Yeah..ah...that's right. At least that's how it is written. Just remind me of that if I give you looks of longing when Rupert leaves us in a few more scenes.

EMMA WATSON  
As long as you don't ask me to do a silly dance scene.

She fixes Rupert's arm but he still has to wear a sling and can't do much for the next twenty minutes of the movie.

RUPERT GRINT  
(groaning)  
Thanks love. Tell me we got that bloody locket after all this trouble.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Yeah we got it.

EMMA WATSON  
So, how do we destroy it?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Ah...I didn't read the book. Did you?

RUPERT GRINT  
Bloody hell!

EXT. FOREST - DAY

The locket with a bit of the soul of He Who Was in the English Patient (RALPH FIENNES) lies on a rock. DANIEL, RUPERT, and EMMA stand nearby it.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
(pointing wand)  
This will fix you, damn locket. Wobbly lightsabers!

A BLAST of something hits the locket but it is unharmed.

EMMA WATSON  
You're not doing it right. Here let me have a go. Toshiba, Sony, LG!

More stuff hits it, it catches fire, but looks unharmed.

RUPERT GRINT  
Nothing can hurt it! Why didn't Michael Gambon tell you how to destroy it!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Because Alan Rickman killed him before he got the chance. We'd better keep the locket safe so we don't lose it and ruin the plot of the movie.

He picks up the locket and puts it on.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Sorry if I become grumpy and touching because now I have the locket on and it's evil force inside affects me.

RUPERT GRINT  
Just like in Lord of the Rings!

EMMA WATSON  
That's just coincidence. I'm sure JKR never heard of the Lord of the Rings or read it or saw the movies.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
No, no writer ever steals any ideas from other writers. That would be bad.

RUPERT GRINT  
Say, Dan, could you stand watch outside the tent for a bit? Emma and I need to...talk.

EMMA WATSON  
Right! Ah, even better...maybe go for a walk and get some firewood or water or something even though we can get those things with magic. And also, could you put up some protective spells so nobody can find us, even though we are in the middle of a forest in England and no one has any idea where we are. Oh, and if you see a McDonald's get some cheeseburgers!

RUPERT GRINT  
And fries! And don't forget to knock if you come back early!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
(grumpy already)  
Right. Fries? You mean chips. This is England, not America.

RUPERT GRINT  
I said fries so our big audience in America would understand.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Makes sense. Have fun.

He walks away.

EMMA WATSON  
(smiling broadly)  
We will. Take your time!

EMMA and RUPERT jump into each other's arms and then go into the tent.

INT. TENT - NIGHT

The trio sit around a table eating McDonald's.

RUPERT GRINT  
(mouth full)  
This is fantastic! Beats hunting for rabbits or anything else that might cause offense to people who have never roughed it in the woods before.

EMMA WATSON  
(eating, ravenous)  
Oh, I am starving. Even though I brought a tent and all the books and clothes we need, plus tea kettle and tea bags, I forgot to pack food in the bag. However did you find a McDonald's here in the woods?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
I just called my agent and she brought it over. So...what do we do now?

EMMA WATSON  
I'll go stand watch while you two listen to the radio that's hard to tune in which I remembered to pack, even though I forgot food, and try to find out any news about the outside world so we know who has died and who hasn't and we can figure out what to do from there.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Right. And I'll look at my map of the Big Castle That's Now a School and see if Alan Rickman has been put in charge yet. Oh, and Rupert, it's your turn to wear this damn locket.

RUPERT GRINT  
But I'm hurt...my arm!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
If you can shag Emma all afternoon, you can wear this locket!

RUPERT GRINT  
All right already!

EXT. FOREST - NIGHT

EMMA WATSON sits by a fire by the tent. She hears a noise and goes to see what it is instead of calling for DANIEL and RUPERT. She sees NICK MORAN and some other ACTORS PLAYING SNATCHERS as they drag TWO ACTORS WHO WE CAN'T CLEARLY SEE through the forest.

EMMA WATSON  
Oh dear. How did Nick Moran and these others find us in the middle of the big forest in the middle of big England? I guess there are really coincidences in the world. Or the screenplay is just rubbish.

NICK MORAN suddenly stops and looks at where EMMA is standing, but he can't see her because of an invisible wall of special effects which is masquerading as a magic spell.

NICK MORAN  
Wait! I thought I heard someone voicing skeptical thoughts about the screenplay!

UNKNOWN ACTOR PLAYING A SNATCHER  
Come on Nick! If we stopped every time we thought we heard someone being skeptical about the screenplay we'd never get anything done!

NICK MORAN  
Right. But I best report this to Yates and Kloves. They'll want to investigate further.

They move off. DANIEL has been standing behind EMMA the whole time, just looking at her. She turns around and almost screams.

EMMA WATSON  
What are you doing?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Looking at you.

EMMA WATSON  
I told you I am Rupert's girl!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Yeah but he is wearing the locket now and is getting grumpier by the minute. You'll come around.

EMMA WATSON  
In your dreams!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Always. By the way, what did those Snatchers want?

EMMA WATSON  
Snatchers? What's a Snatcher?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
They walk around the movie set listening for snatches of conversation by people who make negative comments about the screenplay or director, or choice of actors to play the parts. Then they go straight to Kloves or Yates and report on them.

They start walking back to the tent.

EMMA WATSON  
I think they heard me saying the screenplay is rubbish.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
I think so too, but I don't say it out loud.

EMMA WATSON  
You just did!

They laugh and RUPERT sees them from the tent and gets a nasty look on his face like he thinks they are shagging now even though anyone in their right mind would know that EMMA would never shag DANIEL.

EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY

The trio walk through a lot of places that make no sense, such as a trailer park with a lot of burnt out trailers and no one living there or near the sea and a bridge where they set up the tent on a ridiculously small patch of rocky land. Oh, and a sweet touching scene where EMMA and RUPERT throw rocks at DANIEL got cut because Yates said it was too tender for the dark tone he was going for.

INT. TENT - NIGHT

EMMA AND DANIEL sit at the table eating KFC while RUPERT lies in bed, looking surly and mad at the world. He plays with his Thing That Turns Lights On and Off as if it were magic, that Michael Gambon left him, and which hasn't been seen since movie 1.

EMMA suddenly puts down a chicken leg.

EMMA WATSON  
Oh my God! I'm so stupid! We forgot about the Sword of One of the Founder's of the Big Castle That is Now a School!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
What about it?

EMMA WATSON  
It has Big Snake venom in it! You killed the Big Snake with the Sword of One of the Founder's of the Big Castle that is Now a School in the Dark Cavern Under the Big Castle that is Now a School when you saved Bonnie Wright's life in movie 2.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Of course! Why didn't anyone see this sooner? We can destroy all the bits of soul of He Who Was in the English Patient with the Big Snake venom because I already destroyed the Diary That Makes No Sense in movie 2 with a Big Snake fang. And the Diary that Makes No Sense was one of the things He Who Was in the English Patient hid parts of his soul in and then he just gave it to Jason Isaac's who tried to discredit Mark Williams in movie 2 by giving it to Bonnie Wright who was possessed by the Diary That Makes No Sense and which caused her to open the Dark Cavern Under the Big Castle That is Now a School and release the Big Snake!

EMMA WATSON  
Ah...what?

Then the lights go out and then come back on again.

RUPERT GRINT  
Oh, I'm still here.

DANIEL RADCLFFFE  
Ah..sure we can see that.

RUPERT GRINT  
I said that as an introduction to my very angry speech. So, we have to find another bloody thing. Well, I am pissed off because I've been wearing this locket all day and you two are getting closer even though no one in their right mind would see Dan as a rival for Emma over me. And I can't get any news of Bonnie, Oliver, James, Julie, or Mark on that damn radio.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
It's not like they are your real family.

RUPERT GRINT  
You don't know how this feels! All you ever care about is getting more money than us and being nude on stage!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Is that what this is about? I get paid more than you two?

RUPERT GRINT  
YES! "I'll just call my agent and she'll bring me McDonald's in the middle of the forest because I am a big famous rich actor!" And stop looking at Emma like that!

EMMA WATSON  
(almost in tears...again)  
Rup! Take off the locket.

RUPERT GRINT  
I'm going to another movie! About Eddie the Eagle! At least that one is based on a true story! This one is rubbish! Are you coming, Em?

EMMA WATSON  
No, I can't because I have a contract and I need the money for college and the future because I will never get paychecks like this again and I have about sixty more years to live and well, we have our fans to think about, too.

RUPERT GRINT  
Oh, I get it. Fine. I'll leave you two to carry the movie for the next twenty minutes. But I warn you all the critics are going to say this is the worst part of the movie.

He takes off the locket and leaves.

EMMA WATSON  
RUPERT! DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HIM!

She runs after him but soon comes back.

EMMA WATSON  
(crying)  
He's gone!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
(smiling)  
Good. Want to dance?

EMMA WATSON

Piss off!

She lies on a bunk and bawls her eyes out.

EXT. FOREST - DAY

EMMA WATSON ties a scarf around a tree.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
What are you doing that for?

EMMA WATSON  
So Rupert can know we were here and then try to find where we went, even though he will have no idea where we have went. Also, we need a reason for the Snatchers to find us because we forgot to mention that Ralph...sorry, He Who Was in the English Patient's name is taboo and will draw his followers to you if you say it.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Ok. So, now take my hand so we can...

EMMA WATSON  
I'm not taking your hand!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Apparate.

EMMA WATSON  
Oh. Right. Sorry.

They Apparate to a rocky cliff which has obvious fake rocks and was done on a set.

EXT. FAKE ROCKY CLIFF - DAY

EMMA starts to cry.

EMMA WATSON  
Oh...why did he leave!

DANIEL ignores her and smirks gleefully as he sets up protective spells and the tent.

INT. TENT - NIGHT

EMMA listens to the radio, looking sad, as Daniel leers at her from a corner. A nice song starts to play on the radio. DANIEL stands and offers her his hand for a dance.

EMMA WATSON  
At this stage I am particularly vulnerable and will dance with you.

She stands.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Awesome!

They dance and smile and have fun until the end when DANIEL tries to kiss EMMA. She pulls away and pulls out her wand.

EMMA WATSON  
BACK OFF!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Come on! Everyone knows it's us that should be together, not you and Rupert!

EMMA WATSON  
Are you delusional? Haven't you been cluing in to the anvil-sized hints that it is Rupert and I that belong together?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Hints? What hints?

EMMA WATSON  
Oh, my God! Like in the second movie where I hugged you but I just shook his hand. Didn't you see the significance of that?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Er..no, you were 11 years old and didn't like boys and Chris Columbus forced you to hug me but it only lasted like a second so they had to slow the film down.

EMMA WATSON  
Well, what about in the third movie when I grabbed Rupert's arm when you approached that Bird With Horse Legs thing in Robbie Coltrane's class?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
That's because you were afraid I'd get hurt, not because you liked Rupert. Did we act in the same movie cause it sure doesn't sound like it?

EMMA WATSON  
Oh boy! Then you must have been sick the day we shot the scene where the Bird Horse thing dies and I hugged Rupert, not you and then you tried to muscle in on our tender moment!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Rubbish! It was a group hug!

EMMA WATSON  
OK, then how about the fourth movie, where Rupert was very jealous of me going to the Big Dance with the Actor Who Played the Famous Game That's Played on Brooms Player from Bulgaria?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Well, OK, that was a big hint I guess. But in the fifth movie you two had hardly anything romantic at all.

EMMA WATSON  
No, that's not true. Rupert tried to protect me from Robbie Coltrane's CGI Half-Brother Giant while you just stood there and did nothing! And in the last movie it was obvious that I was desperately in love with him and you were after Bonnie Wright.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
That's true...I guess. But that romance with Bonnie came out of nowhere and most people don't believe it. And all through the books and movies you and I have been close and we do everything together. Almost every book and movie you've had a fight with Rupert!

EMMA WATSON  
That's how boys and girls who like each other act! Just... never mind...just...hands off!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
OK!

He has his fingers crossed behind his back.

INT. TENT - DAY

DANIEL plays with his gold ball.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Oh...what the hell.

He puts the ball in his mouth. Writing appears on the outside of it.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
(reading out loud)  
"I open at the close". What the hell does that mean? Nice going Michael Gambon! Idiot!

EXT. FAKE ROCKY CLIFF - DAY

EMMA sits reading a book and crying a bit...again. DANIEL approaches her.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Emma! Look at my ball!

She stands and is furious, wand out.

EMMA WATSON  
I TOLD YOU TO BACK OFF!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Wait! Look at the writing!

EMMA WATSON  
Oh. What the hell does that mean?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
No idea. But I want to go to the Village Where My Movie Parents Died.

EMMA WATSON  
That's the same village where Michael Gambon lived as a boy, where the Founder of the Castle That is Now a School Who Made the Sword is from, and where the Actress Playing the Magic Historian Lives. So maybe the Sword with the Big Snake venom in it is there!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
We'd better check it out then.

EXT. STREET, VILLAGE WHERE DANIEL RADCLIFFE'S MOVIE PARENTS DIED - SNOWY NIGHT

They hear people singing in a church.

EMMA WATSON  
Oh, Daniel its Christmas Eve!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
I guess you forgot to pack a calendar in that bag of yours.

EMMA WATSON  
Yes. And none of us has a watch with dates on it or has seen a newspaper for ages or know how to count days in our heads or on a piece of paper so we lost track of time. And I didn't get you a present!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
(smiling)  
Well, you could always...

EMMA WATSON  
(glaring)  
YES?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Never mind. Oh look it's a graveyard. Maybe my movie parent's are buried in here.

They enter the graveyard.

EXT. GRAVEYARD - SNOWY NIGHT

EMMA stops at a grave and wipes snow from a symbol.

EMMA WATSON  
Good thing they told me where to wipe the snow or I never would have seen that symbol the snow was so thick. Oh, and look there is a name that is important too. "One of the Maker's of the Three Things in the Symbol". Well, that doesn't help us much finding the bit's of he Who Was in the English Patient's soul and destroying them. Daniel...Daniel?

DANIEL is standing by a grave. EMMA approaches and sees that it is the grave of Daniel's Movie Parents Who are Dead.

EMMA WATSON  
(reading tombstone)  
Geraldine Summerville and Adrian Rawlins? Are they nice people?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
I guess so. I only met them once in the first movie when we shot the mirror scene.

EMMA WATSON  
1960 to 1981? Summerville and Rawlins looked much older than 21.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
I know. And Alan Rickman is playing someone who is really supposed to be in his mid-30s although he is now past 60.

DANIEL starts to cry.

EMMA WATSON  
They aren't your real parents.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
I know. Just...I feel like they are sometimes, know what I mean?

EMMA WATSON  
No.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
I need a tender hug.

EMMA WATSON  
NO! Oh, you are unbelievable! Oh..wait..

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
(hopeful)  
Yes?

EMMA WATSON  
Daniel, some strange woman is looking at us.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
It's the Actress Playing the Magic Historian. Two Old People told me all about her at the wedding! Let's follow her even though she doesn't say hello and has flies buzzing around her even though it is the middle of winter.

EMMA WATSON  
OK. Maybe she can tell us where the sword is.

They follow the ACTRESS PLAYING A MAGIC HISTORIAN to an old house.

INT. OLD HOUSE - NIGHT

DANIEL finds a picture of the ACTOR WHO STOLE ONE OF THE THREE THINGS IN THE SYMBOL ON THE GRAVE.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Excuse me, who is this?

ACTRESS PLAYING A MAGIC HISTORIAN  
Hissss, hissss, esss, wissss.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Misss wisss hiss?

She nods her head. He follows her upstairs while EMMA stupidly stays downstairs, looking at a biography of MICHAEL GAMBON. Then the ACTRESS PLAYING A MAGIC HISTORIAN turns into RALPH FIENNES' BIG SNAKE for some unknown unexplained reason. They have a big fight. DANIEL holds a chair in front of him which the BIG SNAKE can't break for some reason even though it can smash a wall into a child's bedroom in the adjoining house. DANIEL and EMMA fight the BIG SNAKE, DANIEL gets bitten, then they escape in a blur of special effects which makes it almost impossible to know exactly what happened.

EXT. RIVER - DAY

EMMA gets a bucket of water from the river even though as a witch she should be able to produce water with her wand.

EXT. SNOWY FOREST - DAY

EMMA sits by a fire reading a book.

She sighs.

EMMA WATSON  
(forlorn)  
Merry Christmas, Rupert, wherever you are.

INT. PUB - DAY (Scene that should have been in the movie)

RUPERT is sitting passed out at a table with many empty beer glasses around him. An ACTOR PLAYING A PUB OWNER is nearby washing glasses.

ACTOR PLAYING A PUB OWNER  
(looking at Rupert)  
Oi! You! Time to be off, mate. It's Christmas and the misses is waiting for me with my dinner.

RUPERT GRINT  
(groggy)  
Dinner?

Then he hears EMMA's voice.

EMMA WATSON (V.O.)

Rupert…WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?

RUPERT GRINT  
(bleary eyed, shocked)  
What? Emma?

He looks around but sees no one. Then he realizes the voice came from the Thing That Turns Lights Off and On. He takes it out and clicks it once. A CGI BALL OF BLUE LIGHT comes out of it.

ACTOR PLAYING A PUB OWNER  
Oi! What the hell is that?

RUPERT GRINT  
My ticket to the woman I love I hope.

The ball goes in his chest and he Disappartes.

ACTOR PLAYING A PUB OWNER  
Oi! You forgot to settle up! The Grint that stole Christmas, that's what he is!

INT. TENT - DAY

DANIEL lies on a bunk and suddenly grimaces in pain as his scar hurts.

INT. CELLAR

RALPH FIENNES and TIMOTHY SPALL accost JOHN HURT.

RALPH FIENNES  
JOHN HURT! You said another actor's wand would help me defeat Daniel Radcliffe!

JOHN HURT  
I thought it would! I swear! That's what JKR wrote!

RALPH FIENNES  
She lied! And why did his wand suddenly turn on Jason Isaac's and defeat it? They have no connection.

JOHN HURT  
No idea. It doesn't make sense at all, even when Michael Gambon tried to explain it in the book.

RALPH FIENNES  
Nothing makes sense! I must have a more powerful wand! Who makes the most powerful wands in the world?

JOHN HURT  
I heard that an ACTOR PLAYING AN OLD WAND MAKER does.

TIMOTHY SPALL  
That's you!

JOHN HURT  
No! He has a mustache and lives in a dirty shop with a strange symbol outside it!

RALPH FIENNES  
I know who you mean! It's the actor who played the crazy Russian in all those movies!

JOHN HURT  
That's him!

INT. WAND MAKER'S SHOP - NIGHT

RALPH FIENNES corners the ACTOR PLAYING AN OLD WAND MAKER.

RALPH FIENNES  
Tell me, where is the World's Most Powerful Wand?

ACTOR PLAYING AN OLD WAND MAKER  
It was stolen from me! By the Actor Who Was in the Photo in the Magic Historians House. You would have known who he is if they had followed the book and you had chased Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson when your snake attacked them!

RALPH FIENNES  
Curse Steve Kloves! Now you must die!

RALPH blasts him with green light and he dies.

EXT. FOREST - DAY

EMMA WATSON sits by the fire outside the tent reading MICHAEL GAMBON's biography. DANIEL staggers out of the tent.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
He Who Was in the English Patient just killed an Actor Playing an Old Wand Maker.

EMMA WATSON  
Why would he do that?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Because he wants the World's Most Powerful Wand. Speaking of wands, where's mine?

Emma looks stricken and slowly takes out DANIEL'S broken wand.

EMMA WATSON  
I'm sorry...it happened when we escaped from the Big Snake. No one could really tell it got broken because there were too many special effects but when we got back here it was broken. I think it was my fault.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Bloody hell Emma! How am I supposed to defeat He Who Was in the English Patient now?

EMMA WATSON  
Sorry!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Just give me your wand and go have a rest. I'll sit out here in the cold and try not to think about wanting to strangle you. By the way, where are we?

EMMA WATSON  
A place I thought we could hide and grow old together but seeing as you're in a mood, I don't think that will ever happen. Besides, that is the most ridiculous line in the script so I am glad I don't have to say it now.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
You mean...you want to hide and grow old with me?

EMMA WATSON  
No, I don't! And we can't hide and grow old because we have to defeat He Who Was in the English Patient! And I have feelings for Rupert, not you! So that line is ridiculous! Get it?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Got it.

EMMA gives him her wand and goes into the tent leaving a very confused DANIEL sitting by the fire.

EXT. FOREST - NIGHT

DANIEL sits by the fire holding a PIECE of GLASS he has been looking into all movie but which he never talks about or explains to anyone. He suddenly throws it on the ground for no reason. Then he sees a CGI SILVER DOE. He gets up and follows it even though a bunch of wizards who could probably make such a CGI Silver Doe are trying to find him and kill him.

EXT. FOREST, FROZEN POND - NIGHT

DANIEL sees the CGI Silver Doe walk onto a frozen pond, then turn into a CGI Ball of Light and go into the ice. He sees the SWORD OF ONE OF THE FOUNDER'S OF THE CASTLE THAT IS NOW A SCHOOL under the ice.

He takes off his clothes..again...cuts open the ice with Emma's wand and tries to retrieve the sword without using a spell to warm up the water, without taking off the locket that is going to try to kill him, and without taking off his glasses. Underwater the locket tries to choke him but then someone jumps in the water, saves his life and picks up the sword all at the same time as if he had more than two hands and the strength of a lion.

EXT. FROZEN POND - NIGHT

DANIEL can't see because he took off his glasses...or did he...or did they fall off when he was rescued? He puts them on, looks up and sees RUPERT GRINT.

RUPERT GRINT  
Are you mental?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
No, but the writer and director are. You got the sword!

RUPERT GRINT  
Yeah. So...what now?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
I will open the locket and you destroy it with the sword.

RUPERT GRINT  
Open the locket? We've had it for months and we couldn't open it!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
I just remembered I can speak like a snake and this locket once belonged to the Founder of the Castle That is Now a School Who Could Speak to Snakes. So it's worth a shot.

RUPERT GRINT  
Right. Maybe you should hit it. It makes me feel bad inside that locket does.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Then now is your chance to smash it for good. HISS ESSS WISSSS!

The locket opens and a big pile of black smoke knocks them backwards. Then it starts speaking in RALPH FIENNES VOICE.

RALPH FIENNES VOICE  
I have seen your heart Rupert Grint and I know you own an ice cream truck and a hover craft and that you really love Emma Watson even though the world will laugh at you if your love becomes public and that you think Emma is interested in Daniel and you really don't like spiders like the character you are playing!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Kill it!

Then the black smoke changes into DANIEL and EMMA.

EMMA WATSON IMAGE  
Oh Rupert! Why did you leave me with him? He's at me all the time!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE IMAGE  
That's right. We are in love and you will just spoil things. Go away again ginger!

EMMA WATSON IMAGE hits DANIEL RADCLIFFE IMAGE.

EMMA WATSON IMAGE  
Don't call him ginger!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE IMAGE  
We are supposed to kiss now!

EMMA WATSON IMAGE  
NO WAY!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE IMAGE tries to kiss her. RUPERT gets furious, stands up and slashes his way through the smoke and destroys the locket with one blow from the sword.

RUPERT GRINT  
Bloody hell!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Sorry about that mate. I'd tell you that I think of her like a sister but that would ruin the love triangle thing they are going for here.

RUPERT GRINT  
Yeah, not your fault mate. So. Just three bits of He Who Was in the English Patient's soul left to go.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Er...four. I'm one of the bits also.

RUPERT GRINT  
Yeah but we don't know that yet.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Oh! Right! I was reading ahead.

EXT. FOREST - DAWN

RUPERT and DANIEL come back to the fire and tent. DANIEL picks up his Piece of Glass for some reason. EMMA comes out of the tent, sees RUPERT and runs right to him and starts hitting him.

EMMA WATSON  
RUPERT GRINT! You complete arse! Leaving me alone for weeks and weeks with him!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Hey! Least I didn't break your wand!

EMMA WATSON  
Give me my wand back Daniel!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Ok. Cast a good spell on him!

EMMA takes the wand and turns back to RUPERT. Just now she notices he has the broken locket and the sword in his hands.

EMMA WATSON  
What's this? How...oh,. my God. You destroyed it!

RUPERT GRINT  
Yeah. I saved Daniel's life, I got the sword, and I destroyed the locket.

EMMA softens, lowers her wand.

EMMA WATSON  
Oh, Rupert! This changes everything!

She runs into his arms. They hug and kiss

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Damn. Wait, how did you find us?

RUPERT GRINT  
I heard Emma say my name on Christmas morning from the Thing That Turns Lights Off and On and then a CGI Ball of Blue Light came out of it and it went right to my heart and I found you guys. Make sense?

EMMA WATSON  
Yes. It means I am always in your heart. Time for make up sex.

RUPERT GRINT  
Wicked!

EMMA and RUPERT walk toward the tent.

EMMA WATSON  
Ah...Dan, go for a walk, why don't you?

RUPERT GRINT  
Yeah. And some fish and chips would be good.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
(grumpy)  
Yeah. Sure.

INT. TENT - NIGHT

DANIEL and RUPERT sit on a bunk looking at a glass jar with some flames in it. EMMA sits just outside the tent.

RUPERT GRINT  
Those were good fish and chips.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Thanks. So..she's not mad at you?

RUPERT GRINT  
Nope. We kissed and...other things...and made up.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Did a CGI Ball of Blue Light really go into your heart after she said your name?

RUPERT GRINT  
Yeah. That Michael Gambon, he sure is smart, leaving me that Thing That Turns the Lights Off and On.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
(mad)  
Don't get me going about him. He left me that gold ball that had nothing but some stupid writing that doesn't make sense on it.

RUPERT GRINT  
Wait, just think about it. He left me that thing cause he knew I'd get mad at you about your higher salary and other things and he also knew I'd want to come back. Maybe the same thing will happen with the ball.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Maybe. So how was Eddie the Eagle?

RUPERT GRINT  
Dunno. Hasn't even started pre-production yet. My agent is a real git getting me mixed up with that one. Say you need a wand, don't you? I took one from an Actor Playing a Snatcher who heard me grouse about how rubbish the script is. He stopped me in the street and thought I was one of the actors in the movie but I told him I had nothing to do with it. He weren't too bright not to recognize me. Then I bashed him a good one, grabbed his wand and ran for it. Here it is. Ten inches.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Not as long as mine was. I like long wands.

RUPERT GRINT  
Er..yeah...so better test it.

DANIEL makes the flames in the jar so big they almost burn his eyebrows off. They both scream like little girls causing EMMA to enter the tent.

EMMA WATSON  
What are you two fools up to? If you burn this tent down I am leaving this movie!

RUPERT GRINT  
It's his fault!

EMMA WATSON  
Never mind.

She opens MICHAEL GAMBON'S biography.

EMMA WATSON  
(cont'd)  
Look at this symbol Michael Gambon wrote in this letter to the ACTOR WHO IS BONNIE WRIGHT'S FIANCE.

DANIEL and RUPERT  
Her...what?

EMMA WATSON  
Honestly, don't you two keep up on the gossip about all of us? Bonnie and this ACTOR IN THIS PICTURE WITH THE ACTOR PLAYING THE YOUNG MICHAEL GAMBON are engaged. It's been all over the Internet.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
That's why she didn't want to kiss me!

RUPERT and EMMA  
Yeah...right.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
What's his name?

EMMA WATSON  
Let's just call him the Actor Who is Bonnie Wright's Fiancé. Anyway, he's not in the rest of this movie so it doesn't matter. But this symbol is important. I also saw it in the graveyard on Christmas Eve.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Wait! I saw that on RHYS IFANS necklace at the wedding!

RUPERT GRINT  
Rhys Ifans? He's EVANNA LYNCH's father! Why would he wear that symbol?

EMMA WATSON  
Let's go ask him!

RUPERT GRINT  
Emma's right! Let's go ask him. I say we take a vote.

Raises his hand.

EMMA WATSON  
(grinning)  
Ah...we changed this bit because we are back together. You don't have to try to get back on my good side.

RUPERT GRINT  
Oh.

EXT. HILLSIDE - DAY

The trio are walking up a hill. They see a CROOKED BUILDING in the distance.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
(to EMMA)  
So you two...back together, are you?

EMMA WATSON  
Yes. And we'll never be apart again.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Oh...good...good.

She looks at him like she doesn't believe him.

RUPERT GRINT  
Look, it's their Crooked House! Evanna!

DANIEL and EMMA  
Evanna!

EXT. CROOKED HOUSE - DAY

They knock on the door. RHYS IFANS opens it immediately.

RHYS IFANS  
We don't want what you're selling so be off with you!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Mr. Ifans, it's me, Daniel Radcliffe.

RHYS IFANS  
Radcliffe! Well, why didn't you say so, come in, come in.

INT. CROOKED HOUSE - DAY

They sit and drink horrible tasting tea.

EMMA WATSON  
Where's Evanna?

RHYS IFANS  
Evanna? Oh she's off doing a play or something. She'll be back in a few scenes. So Mr. Radcliffe, what can I do for you?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
We'd like to know what that symbol is you are wearing?

RHYS IFANS  
This? Why it's the Symbol of the Three Things That Will Make You More Powerful Than Anyone Else.

RUPERT, EMMA, and DANIEL  
The... what?

RHYS IFANS  
The Symbol of the Three Things that Will Make You More Powerful Than Anyone Else.

RUPERT GRINT  
Couldn't think of a shorter name?

RHYS IFANS  
We tried but no one had any bright ideas, so...there it is. I am sure you've heard The Tale of the Three Brothers Who Tried to Go Home From a Pub and Met Death?

RUPERT and EMMA  
Yes.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
No. Will someone please explain it to me with a fancy animation sequence.

EMMA WATSON  
I will.

So begins a very well-done animation sequence with EMMA's lovely voice in the background explaining it all.

EMMA WATSON (V.O.)  
Three brothers were drunk in a pub one night and decided to walk home by the direct path instead of across a dangerous river to get home. On the way they met Death.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE (V.O.)  
You mean they died? That's not a very interesting story.

EMMA WATSON (V.O.)  
No. They literally met Death. Stop interrupting me. So, Death was mad because they didn't die crossing the river. So instead of just killing them himself in some gruesome way he decided to test them. He offered them Three Things That Would Make Them More Powerful Than Anyone Else. To the Oldest Brother he gave the World's Most Powerful Wand. He took it and went back to the pub, drank some more, boasted about his big powerful wand, passed out, and was killed. The wand was stolen and never seen again.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Wait! That's what he wants. That's what He Who Was In The English Patient wants! The World's Most Powerful Wand!

RHYS IFANS  
Who?

RUPERT GRINT  
He Who Was in the English Patient.

RHYS IFANS  
Never saw it.

EMMA WATSON  
Schindler's List?

RHYS IFANS  
Wait. Liam Neeson?

EMMA WATSON  
(frustrated)  
No. He played the evil German!

RHYS IFANS  
OH! You mean Ralph...

RUPERT, EMMA, and DANIEL  
DON'T!

RHYS IFANS  
FIENNES!

He says it very loud and stands with a look of triumph on his face. After a long pause he looks out the window, puzzled.

RHYS IFANS  
Where are they?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Who? What did you expect to happen?

RHYS IFANS  
Nothing! Nobody! More tea?

DANIEL, EMMA and RUPERT stand.

EMMA WATSON  
Time to go.

RHYS IFANS  
Stop! They took Evanna! She's all I got! But they will give her back for you Daniel Radcliffe!

EXT. CROOKED HOUSE - DAY

Just then a lot of flying black smoke attacks the Crooked House. Explosions dance all over its side.

INT. CROOKED HOUSE - DAY

DANIEL. RUPERT and EMMA hit the floor. Paper rains around them. They grab hands and Apparate.

EXT. FOREST - DAY

They land in a spot where EMMA tied the scarf to a tree. Which is foolish because NICK MORAN, DAVID LEGENO and a bunch of other ACTORS PLAYING SNATCHERS are waiting for them. Instead of grabbing hands and Apparating again they run for it.

NICK MORAN  
SNATCH THEM!

After a chaotic chase with shaky camera movement worthy of Michael Bay at his worst, RUPERT is captured, and EMMA casts a disfiguring spell at DANIEL'S face so they won't recognize him even though he is with his two best friends and still looks somewhat like Daniel Radcliffe.

NICK MORAN  
All right. Who are you lot and what's your role in this movie?

RUPERT  
Told you they were dim.

He gets a punch for his troubles.

EMMA WATSON  
Stop hitting him!

NICK MORAN  
Now, now, love, we will stop hitting your boyfriend when we gets the answers we need. Now who is you?

EMMA WATSON  
Keira..Keira Knightly.

NICK MORAN  
Check the list.

DAVID LEGENO  
Nope. No actress named Knightly on this shoot.

NICK MORAN  
And what about ginger here?

RUPERT GRINT  
Nobody, just passing by. Looking for Keira's autograph. I love Pirates of the Caribbean.

NICK MORAN  
Is that so? Well, what about you ugly? What's your name?

DAVID LEGENO  
David Legeno. Come on Nick, you've known me for years!

NICK MORAN  
(exasperated)  
Not you! Him!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Jude Law.

NICK MORAN  
LIAR! Me and him is mates. And he's is almost blond. Wait..is that a scar on your forehead?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
No!

NICK MORAN  
Let's take this lot to Jason Isaac's house. They'll know who they are.

EXT. JASON ISAAC'S HOUSE - NIGHT

NICK MORAN, DAVID LEGANO, and some ACTORS PLAYING SNATCHERS push DANIEL, RUPERT, and EMMA toward a wrought iron gate. HELENA BONHAM CARTER is on the other side.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER  
What are you scum doing here?

NICE MORAN  
We ain't scum!

HELENA BONHAM CARTER  
I say you are scum, you are scum! How many awards have you been nominated for? How many period costume dramas have you done! None! I even did a movie with Brad Pitt! Now what do you want?

NICK MORAN  
Look at his head!

HELENA looks at DANIEL'S head.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER  
Is that a ,,,scar?

NICK MORAN  
Too right it is.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER  
Get Tom!

NICK MORAN  
Er..who's Tom? No one named Tom with us. Are you Tom, ginger?

RUPERT GRINT  
Nope. Just looking for an autograph like I...

HELENA BONHAM CARTER  
SHUT IT! Tom Felton, you fool!

INT. BIG ROOM WITH BIG FIREPLACE - NIGHT

JASON ISAACS, TOM FELTON, HELEN MCCRORY, TIMOTHY SPALL and the rest are all here.

JASON ISAACS  
(to Tom)  
Just look at him. It's Radcliffe, yes?

TOM FELTON  
I'm not...sure.

JASON ISAACS  
Now come on! You've known him for ten years! You've practically lived on this movie set! You go to cricket matches together. Some people even say you are lovers!

TOM and DANIEL  
THAT'S A LIE!

HELEN BONHAM CARTER  
So it is you!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
No...I mean...I'm...nobody.

TOM FELTON  
It's not him.

HELEN MCCRORY  
Look more closely! He's got black hair, he's got the scar, he's with Grint and Watson. It's got to be him!

TOM FELTON  
No, it can't be. Because the Daniel Radcliffe I know would never be captured by these fools. He is too smart, brave, loyal, trustworthy.

RUPERT GRINT  
Not that trustworthy mate. He made a play for Emma when I left them for a bit.

TOM FELTON  
WHAT! HE DID?

EMMA WATSON  
NO! Not really. We just danced a bit.

TOM looks at DANIEL, almost in tears.

TOM FELTON  
You danced...with her! You never danced with me!

RUPERT GRINT  
I knew it...all that chasing Emma was just an act!

HELENA BONHAM CARTER  
ENOUGH! Is he or isn't he Radcliffe?

TOM FELTON  
Not the Daniel I know, that's for sure!

HELENA BONHAM CARTER  
We'll just...wait, what's that sword doing here?

ACTOR PLAYING A SNATCHER  
They had it. I reckon its mine see, just a nice prop to take home to the kids and prove I was on this movie, see.

HELENA stuns him and then the others try to fight her and she gets them with a bunch of spells and kicks them out of the house without even paying them or offering a cup of tea.

JASON ISAACS  
This is still my house Helena. And they were my guests!

HELENA BONHAM CARTER  
I don't give a rat's behind! That sword was supposed to be in my vault at the Bank the Small Actors in Makeup run. When The Most Evil Wizard in the World arrives and sees this sword he will kill us all!

RUPERT GRINT  
The Most Evil Wizard in the World?

EMMA WATSON  
I think she means He Who Was in the English Patient.

RUPERT GRINT  
Oh.

JASON ISAACS  
Is that what you've been calling him? Has a nice ring to it. "He Who Was..."

HELENA BONHAM CARTER  
ENOUGH! We can banter about nicknames later. First I want to give this one a nice tattoo as a reminder of her stay here.

EMMA WATSON  
ME! What did I do?

HELENA BONHAM CARTER'  
Nothing. But a little girl-on-girl action was asked for by the studio and you and I are it deary! SPALL! Put the boys in the cellar!

RUPERT GRINT  
You old dyke! Don't you lay a hand on her!

HELENA BONHAM CARTER  
You can be next! I think Tom would like a piece of you.

TOM FELTON  
Would not! I hate gingers!

TIMOTHY SPALL pushes DANIEL and RUPERT to a cellar.

INT. CELLAR

RUPERT and DANIEL meet JOHN HURT, EVANNA LYNCH and WARWICK DAVIS.

JOHN HURT  
Daniel Radcliffe. Six and half inches, a little on the thin side. And Rupert Grint. Eight inches, very thick. How nice to see you again!

RUPERT GRINT  
What! How do you know that?

JOHN HURT  
I never forget a wand.

EVANNA LYNCH  
How interesting that you are here, too. What happened to your face? How are you?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Been better. And I have a few things to say about your father.

EVANNA LYNCH  
What did he do? He's in Ireland.

RUPERT GRINT  
He means Rhys Ifans. Hey Warwick Davies!

WARWICK DAVIS  
It's Davis, not Davies! Why can't anyone get that right?

RUPERT GRINT  
Sorry mate. So..what's the plan?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
I am going to ask my Piece of Glass which I haven't explained yet for help.

He takes out the Piece of Glass. Then they hear a scream from above.

RUPERT GRINT  
EMMMAAAA!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
That shout is not in the script.

RUPERT GRINT  
I know but it should have been. EMMMMMMAAAA! I'LL KILL THAT BITCH IF SHE HURTS YOU! How's that?

EVANNA LYNCH  
Great. You must really love her a lot.

RUPERT GRINT  
(bashful)  
Yeah.

WARWICK DAVIS  
(scoffing)  
You? And Watson? Give me a break!

RUPERT GRINT  
(mad)  
Stuff it half-pint. Why don't you go ask George Lucas if he has any more Willow movies for you? Oh, no he doesn't cause the first one sucked!

WARWICK DAVIS  
At least I'll be able to get work when this series is finished!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
ENOUGH!  
(looks in glass, sees an eye)  
Please help me! I am surrounded by a bunch of actors with big egos! In Jason Isaacs' cellar!

Just then TIMOTHY SPALL comes to the cellar door.

TIMOTHY SPALL  
You! Davis, come with me!

WARWICK DAVIS leaves the cellar and goes upstairs.

RUPERT GRINT  
Hey. Spall. Daniel spared your worthless life in the third movie. And you were my rat for twelve years. Why not set us free?

TIMOTHY SPALL  
No. I will just die a noble death by choking myself with this CGI SILVER HAND I have.

He gets zapped by a spell from behind and falls down after making a comical "Ow" sound.

CGI ANNOYING HOUSE-ELF  
Did anyone call for a rescue?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
CGI ANNOYING HOUSE-ELF! Spall was supposed to kill himself as an act of redemption!

CGI ANNOYING HOUSE-ELF  
Oh, sorry, Daniel Radcliffe. Maybe he can do it in the next movie. CGI Annoying House-Elf is here to save Daniel Radcliffe and his friends.

CGI ANNOYING HOUSE-ELF Disapparates away with JOHN HURT and EVANNA LYNCH. RUPERT picks up SPALL's wand.

RUPERT GRINT  
(determined)  
Time for some payback.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
Er...why don't we just wait for CGI Annoying House-Elf to come back and then just leave?

RUPERT GRINT  
Boy does your boyfriend got you wrong. Loyal my butt!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
He's not my boyfriend!

RUPERT GRINT  
Don't care. I'm rescuing Emma.

He takes off and DANIEL reluctantly follows.

INT. BIG ROOM WITH A BIG FIREPLACE

The guys enter at a run, get wands, have a big fight, save EMMA and WARWICK DAVIS after CGI ANNOYING HOUSE-ELF drops a chandelier in the room.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER  
CGI ANNOYING HOUSE-ELF! How dare you defy your human makers!

CGI ANNOYING HOUSE-ELF  
CGI Annoying House-Elf has no maker! CGI Annoying House Elf is a free CGI character! And he is here to rescue Daniel Radcliffe and his friends!

They Apparate away but not before HELENA flings a dagger at them.

Oh, and a hair from her landed on EMMA's coat before so that they can set up the next movie even though no one will remember that by July.

TOM FELTON  
DANNNNNIEL!

JASON ISAACS  
(signs)  
It was Radcliffe! Now we are in deep doggy poo.

EXT. BEACH - DAY, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS NIGHT IN THE PREVIOUS SCENE

DANIEL is on a beach. EMMA and RUPERT are nearby. Then CGI ANNOYING HOUSE-ELF staggers into view with the dagger in his CGI guts.

DANIEL  
CGI ANNOYING HOUSE-ELF!

He catches him as he falls down.

CGI ANNOYING HOUSE-ELF  
Oh, Daniel Radcliffe. CGI Annoying House-Elf is so happy he was able to be in another movie with Daniel Radcliffe. He wishes it could have been sooner. But they kept cutting CGI Annoying House-Elf out. Oh...it's cold...I am derazzing...I am going to the big CGI server in the sky!

He starts to derazz and then slowly disappears in a magical display of pixels until he is gone.

CGI ANNOYING HOUSE-ELF (V.O.)  
(softly)  
Daniel Radcliffe...

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

INT. PRISON CELL - NIGHT

AN OLD ACTOR PLAYING THE OLD BONNIE WRIGHT'S FIANCE is in a cell. RALPH FIENNES enters.

RALPH FIENNES  
Where is The World' Most Powerful Wand?

OLD ACTOR PLAYING THE OLD BONNIE WRIGHT'S FIANCE  
Stupid git! Do you think I'd be in a prison cell if I had The World's Most Powerful Wand? Michael Gambon took it off me in 1945! Those fools probably buried it with him even though that scene was cut from the last movie!

RALPH FIENNES  
Excellent! And now you die for no other reason than to prove I am still a badass!

He kills him.

EXT. ISLAND IN BIG LAKE - NIGHT

RALPH FIENNES flies toward the island. He opens up MICHAEL GAMBON's grave and takes The World's Most Powerful Wand. He holds it up and it lights up the sky.

RALPH FIENNES  
Just to prove I am still a badass! And that it is The World's Most Powerful Wand!

The End (to be continued next July)


End file.
